Friday, October 27, 2006

News Item


"Nobody could've imagined they would've used ladders..." White House Responds

San Diego - Department of Homeland Security Officials reported today that the new, 2.3 Billion Dollar Security Fence had been breached by a thirty five dollar ladder. "We never saw it coming..." one official declared. The ladder, a pair of wooden beams connected by what security officials are terming "rungs", was found this morning, left at what officials believe to be the site of the illegal crossing. During a hastily convened press conference this morning, DHS officials admitted there was no way of knowing how many people may have used the ladder to cross the border illegally. "It could've been one - it could've been a thousand," sighed one official, "It's a goddam ladder, fer chrissakes!"

White House officials responded angrily to charges that the use of ladder technology by those wishing to cross the fence should have been prepared for. "Nobody could have predicted the use of ladders in this situation." declared White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. When questioned by reporters about a Presidential Daily Briefing from July entitled "Mexicans Determined to Use Ladders to Cross Fence", Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice dismissed it as a "historical document" and refused to elaborate, while Donald Rumsfeld was quoted as saying "Did they have a ladder? Well, yes, I suppose so. Did they use it to cross the fence? Possibly. Is it possible they may have more ladders they might try and use again in the future? Goodness Gracious Me-oh-My Heavens-to-Betsy Katie-bar-the-door!"

Americans have become increasingly concerned over the issue of illegal immigration. Jim Gilchrist, one of the founders of the "Minuteman" border watchdog group put it simply: "What they do is they come over here illegally, they get jobs and then they work really hard and raise families. Many of them send money straight back to Mexico to help their parents and other family members survive. It's disgusting, that's what it is. It's disgusting and downright un-American!"

Kellogg, Brown and Root, a subsidiary of Halliburton which was awarded the multi-billion dollar no-bid contract to build the fence, responded to charges they knew in advance it would be worthless against ladders with a brief, terse statement: "We stand by our work one hundred percent and request that the American People simply bend over a bit further and take it."

Despite the barrage of criticism, President Bush remained committed to the fence, saying it had done "a heckuva job..."


Peacechick Mary said...

Dumb and dumber in action. Ladders! Funny in a sad kind of way.

Annie said...

Well-written, Scarlet. Especially the Rumsfeld part - you nailed it!

Anonymous said...

White House Viceroy Rove intoned "...stay the course."

quixote said...

You folks are such defeatists. American ingenuity and bravery is up to the task. (Shut up, you in the back there. I am not talking about the ingenuity of knowing where to buy a ladder.) KBR has shown that the solution is simple: for a mere extra billion dollars, they will extend the fence up another foot! Those Mexicans with their little shorty ladders are gonna look like fools! Stay the course. Victory is at hand.