Wednesday, December 21, 2005

White House Defends Use of Cannibalism, Pedophilia

Shocking Disclosures Stun Many

Washington - Already reeling from charges of massive corruption, widespread use of torture and illegal wiretapping, the White House angrily responded to yesterday's disclosure in the New York Times that top administration officials had participated in numerous acts of cannibalism and sex with minors.

"My most important job as President is to protect the American People." Bush stated emphatically during this morning's hastily convened press conference, "September 11th changed everything, and I think the people understand that."

While acknowledging that the rape and molestation of young children, as well as the consumption of human flesh might be disturbing to some, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales pointed out that such acts were technically within the law and had been approved by Congress in the broad powers given to the executive branch after the attacks on Sept. 11th, 2001.

Officials at the Times acknowledged that they'd known about the program for well over two years but had chosen to withold publishing its details until after the election because it "slipped our minds."

The super-secret program, dubbed "Operation Freedom Patriot Eagle Flag", was run primarily out of the office of the Vice-President.


Saskboy said...

Bill O'Idiot's coverage of this news had the title of:

Children and Dead People Exploiting Republican Weakenesses

peter said...

The finishing touches are being made this week on a new underground bunker complex for Vice President Dick Cheney. The exact depth is classified but according to sources the bunker is the deepest of it's kind in the US. The complex includes living areas, offices, conference room and a press briefing room. The VP and key members of his staff will spend most of the time in the new facility. The move is being made because, again according to reliable sources: "Deep down, Dick Cheney is a nice guy."

Anonymous said...

Gee whiz!

Anonymous said...

can you drop a link to this cannibalism, child rape thing? I'm trying to find it on the NYTimes website and... well... no luck.

little help?

Jenna Sunshine said...

this has got to be made up.

Anonymous said...

C'mon, dude, you can afford a :^)

Anonymous said...

Only one thing needed re cheney's bunker - a door that lets him in but not out. Make room for a few more people, though, including Osama Bin Laden, Bush, and both their gangs. Not terribly different in their outlooks, and I bet Bush has caused more deaths then that madman Osama.