Friday, February 16, 2007

LA to SF/Demetri Martin

“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”" (all quotes by) Demetri Martin

"I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals."

“Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

FB - 240
USA - 66

1 comment:

Reverend X said...

I'm thinking it's a mastter of speaking their language. Try this,

The Build Up to "Whaaa the fuck?"
The White House recently drafted an article for the New York Times under the psuedonym Michael R. Gordon. Let's see if we can use baseball announcing tactics to shed a bit of light on what was written.

"The most lethal weapon directed against American troops in Iraq is an explosive-packed cylinder that United States intelligence asserts is being supplied by Iran"

or in other words,

"Up first is United States intelligence, currently batting .000 in this century. Yeah, even with a sacrafice fly earlier for the designated hitter, Dick Cheney, this guy is batting zero."

"And he is followed by Western Sources also currently batting .000"

"Can anyone tell me where this kid, Western Sources even came from? I mean, we don't have a scouting report or anything and, my God, does he seem unprepared for the bright lights and close scrutiny of the spectators here tonight!"

"Of course that leaves White House Sources batting clean up and he is also, sadly, batting .000"

"And of course, with Administration Officials currently pitching a 21 ERA with a surprisingly low 1 HBP or Hit by Pitch. I am speaking of Libby of course."

"So with a battless fourth season well underway and this bad of pitching, one is forced to wonder, What is the Manager, American People, hoping to prove by leaving this guy in against the Iranian's. "

"I know I'm wondering that."

"It looked a moment ago like John Conyers was gonna walk out to the mound and bring this embarrassment to an end, but he turned around. "

"Wait, it looks like Pelosi is going for the phone. Maybe she's gonna call the Bullpen. No, she sat back down. "

"Well, here you have it folks. It's just too bad that Major League Geo-politics doesn't have a 10 run mercy rule, because at this point it looks like we are in for a double header that promises to not only turn an unbelievable number of bright careers into negative statistics, but also promises to waste the money of every ticket holder in the stands tonight!"

"You said that right. They'll be lucky if they don't get charged for parking violations and a grounds fee for this one!"

Get the point yet? Turn the lights out. The party is over.

Whaddya think?