Dear Twitter, or "Why My Tweet Stating Hillary Clinton Has Cut Everybody's Arms & Legs Off Should Not Be Taken At Face Value"

Dear Twitter, Regarding The Permanent Suspension of My Account For the Contents of My Tweet on Sept. 6th...

As you know, I responded to Tomi Lahren’s tweet claiming that Democrats would open our borders and take everyone’s guns away with the following: “You forgot to mention that Hillary cut everybody’s arms and legs off. WAKE UP SHEEPLE! HILLARY CUT ALL YOUR ARMS AND LEGS OFF!!!!”

Please rest assured that this comment was made entirely in jest and was in no way meant to imply that Hillary Clinton had, or should, cut everybody’s arms and legs off. Nor was it in any way intended to encourage her to do so.

For the sake of myself, our Great Nation and my 28,000 fiercely dedicated followers, I have no choice but to appeal your decision to suspend my account with a brief summary of reasons why my reply to Ms. Lahren should be viewed as satire.

First off, a quick look around the office or perhaps a brief inventory of your own limbs should prove conclusively that Hillary Clinton has not cut any, let alone all, of them off. I have spoken with several medical professionals about this and they are unanimous in their agreement that one person could not possibly perform 300 million+ quadruple amputations, even if that person was Hillary Clinton. I mention this because your platform has hosted millions of tweets claiming the former First Lady and Secretary of State was not only capable of, but indeed responsible for the deaths of Seth Rich, Vince Foster, Jeffrey Epstein and 47 others, as well as illegally selling 20% of our nation’s uranium supply and operating a child sex ring from the basement of a pizza parlor. Given these seemingly absurd claims were both offered and taken at face value, I can see how there might be some confusion as to the spirit of my own, but again allow me to assure you with the utmost confidence that Hillary Clinton has not cut everybody’s arms and legs off.

Regarding the likelihood that my comment could be interpreted as seriously encouraging Ms. Clinton to begin, or even consider amputating people's limbs, I must insist that no reasonable person could believe this, offering as evidence this brief but by no means exhaustive list of reasons:

1) Committing or even attempting mass-amputations would not only be highly illegal, but politically devastating to Ms. Clinton, her husband Bill and the Clinton Foundation.

2) Even if she managed to overlook, as you apparently have, the logistical impossibility of carrying out such an act, a seasoned politician and statesperson like Hillary Clinton would certainly understand the devastating impact mass-quadruple-amputations would have on our country. Not only in terms of national morale and military readiness, but to all parts of the economy, particularly those sectors reliant on the sales of footwear and wristwatches.

3) With no reward either stated or implied, nor any other discernible impetus given, there can be no reasonable expectation that Secretary Clinton would be compelled to commit mayhem, wide-scale or otherwise, based solely on the suggestion of a total stranger, particularly considering that 

4) she was not even included as a recipient of the tweet.

If there is some other reading or interpretation of my tweet that poses either an explicit threat or incitement to violence, please let me know. As a free speech activist who is often the target of such threats, primarily on Twitter, I have nothing but the utmost respect for the importance of combatting them. Confident that you share these concerns, I therefore trust you understand how I cannot in good faith allow spurious allegations of such to go unanswered, undermining as they do the seriousness of the problem.

As it stands I cannot see any reasonable interpretation of my tweet as anything but a satirical addendum to Ms. Lahren’s contentions regarding the aspirations of the Democratic Party, thus falling far outside the parameters described both in Twitter’s terms and conditions for abuse and as stated in your suspension notice. If Ms. Lahren or any member of her social media staff felt either threatened or confused by the contents of my tweet I will be happy to restate the above and if necessary summon expert witnesses from the fields of medicine, linguistics and/or socio-political critical theory to provide ancillary support to my claims.

Please accept my apologies for any confusion my tweet may have caused and thanks in advance for your kind attention in this matter.

 Yours Truly,

 Patrick Randall