Hey Everybody! Have You Heard the GOOD NEWS about the First Amendment?

My discovery of cardboard as a signposting medium, along with the early unravelling of the lies that led us into the Iraq war, dramatically upped my daily signposting from one or two to a dozen or more. Once my overall count reached two hundred or so, with no sign of stopping, I figured it’d probably be a good idea to discuss things with a lawyer. I called the ACLU and they hooked me up with Nathan Benjamin, First Amendment specialist, rock and roll guitarist and all-around cool guy.

He explained that even though I was breaking several minor laws, I was protected by a larger one, and that my rights under the First Amendment should supersede whatever smaller municipal or highway code transgressions I was guilty of: “should,” of course, being the key word. He said going into court is always a crapshoot, but that so long as I stayed on the right side of potential safety and vandalism charges (that the signs were secure and on the inside of the fencing, with no possibility of falling into traffic, and could be removed easily without a trace,) I should be okay. 

Safety First: Duct tape and Bungees on the INSIDE of the fencing.

The blooming of American flags on overpasses after September 11th, and more recently “Support the Troops” signs had done a pretty thorough job of establishing a precedent and we both figured that even if I was charged and found guilty, the temptation to punish me with roadside trash pick-up would probably save me from anything worse. Since what I was doing was such a textbook example of what the First Amendment was designed to protect, he assured me we’d demand and be granted appeals all the way to the Supreme Court before I had to bend over to pick up a single piece of trash. Provided they stayed on the right side of safety and vandalism laws, a challenge to my signs would be a challenge to the First Amendment rights of everyone, and because of that he’d be happy to represent me essentially free of charge. Like I said, cool guy.

Since then my relationship with the First Amendment has been pretty much the same as Born Again Christians have with Jesus Christ: 

1) I have absolute faith that in its protection, despite all my evidence being hearsay.

2) Even though I don’t really understand how it works, I don’t let that stop me from preaching it to others. 

3) Even though the “protection” it’s given me so far has been entirely theoretical, the comfort I get from it is absolutely real, as is my faith that the First Amendment will absolve me of all other sins should my Day of Judgement ever come. 

4) It fulfills an inner need to believe that behind everything there’s a basic framework of justice divorced from the material and entirely dedicated to ideals. It’s obvious to me that such a court would see my life as worthy and my cause noble, thus creating supernatural justification for my behavior pretty much entirely out of thin air, and

5) The only actual evidence I have for any of this are just a few words that’ve been passed down through the generations as a sacred trust, but frankly they could mean anything:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

And just like any other religious text I can barely comprehend it, and when my lawyer explains its magical powers I nod and accept what he tells me with the same depth of understanding as a six year old accepting Jesus Christ as his personal savior. Since then I’ve developed my own interpretations, but the power of the words above to protect me still seems to be primarily magical and my reliance on it is almost entirely a matter of faith. But for fifteen years and over 7,000 signs my faith in the protection of the First Amendment has given me the strength to live up to my duties as a citizen as hoped for by the men who wrote it. 

So just like the smiling, over-friendly evangelist who comes to your door to share the “Good News” in the Bible, I’m here to tell you of extraordinary powers that are available to you if you’ll only accept that they exist. I want you know that the forces behind them are righteous and just, but that they need your help because right now they’re very much under attack. I won’t bother with the part about explaining things as a fight of good versus evil or just who is who because by now all of that should be obvious.

The pamphlet I’m handing you is only the gospel as I understand it, and I urge those of you who want to help to do further research for yourselves.

The First Amendment gives us the right to say what we want, how we want, as often as we want and to as many of our fellow citizens as we can. The exceptions are commercial speech or anything that threatens or incites violence, lawlessness, or the overthrow of the government. The rules regarding signposting on public property are that it can’t be dangerous, damaging or interfere with the normal function or use of the facilities. Signs must be temporary and easily removable without a trace. Signs should be secure, but you can’t padlocks or adhesives to secure them. I’ve been using bungee cords and duct tape and so far I’ve been okay.

Unlike any other addition or encroachment on state or public property, political speech is the one thing you’re supposed to do specifically without asking permission, because if you do it’s no longer free speech but literally state-sanctioned. It’s your job as a citizen to take the initiative and assume the benefit of all doubts. If someone doesn’t like what your signs say it’s their right to take them down. But if they want to stop you from putting them up, then they have to take you to court. It doesn’t matter if they’re other citizens or the police or the President, if your signs are in keeping with the rules above, the law that says you can put them up is greater than any they can point to that says that you can’t.

The rights and privileges we were given as citizens have to be exercised and defended against the people and institutions whose interests are served by taking them away. I know it’s a hassle but that’s the deal. Just because rights are called “unassailable” doesn’t automatically make it true, and as Benjamin Franklin pointed out, everything we’ve been given is ours, but only if we can keep it.