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Bush Claims Right to Check Nation's Mail, Underwear

WASHINGTON - President Bush has quietly claimed sweeping powers to check American's mail and underwear without first obtaining a warrant. Bush asserted this authority in a signing statement attached to December's postal overhaul bill, causing a minor uproar on Capital Hill. "I'm all for fighting terrorism, and for giving the President all the tools he needs in that fight." said Representative Henry Waxman D-Los Angeles, "But to have him going around and checking everybody's underwear? That just seems ridiculous."

White House Spokesperson Tony Snow answered an avalanche of questions concerning Bush's controversial new authority. "I know it sounds strange," he said in today's press conference, "and there's a lot of people out there who want to turn this into some kind of weird, fetishistic thing the President has for America's underpants, and nothing could be further from the truth. The President's number one duty is to protect the American People, however he sees fit to do so and that's all there is to it."

Several psychiatrists were quick to agree that the President's motivation, if not entirely based on security concerns, was probably not sexually based either: "The President and the American People are suffering a highly dysfunctional relationship these days, filled with anger, resentment and frankly, disgust... and it runs both ways. Bush's desire to check our mail and underwear doesn't stem so much from the need to actually do it as it does the need to show us he can. These sorts of control issues are typical in almost all abusive relationships."

Political observers from both parties, while mixed on the constitutionality of signing statements and the political wisdom of sexually humiliating the entire American public, did agree that it worked on Clinton.