Monday, July 17, 2017

The People of Iran, Guatemala and Chile Extend Their Condolences...


Dear American Friends…
Please accept our deepest sympathy, and know you have our full support and that it's with the very best of intentions that we say, Payback’s a Bitch, ain’t it ? 

The transition from sovereignty to servitude isn’t an easy one. As citizens of your own former client states, we know all too well the suffering, indignity and embarrassment that accompany it. We’re happy to answer your questions and hope you’ll consider our knowledge and years of experience just as historically you’ve considered our agricultural and mineral wealth: as valuable resources yours for the taking. We know this is all very new for you, that some of you are probably confused and even a little scared. Many of you are no doubt experiencing feelings of moral outrage, injustice, helplessness, etc… Trust us, we’ve been there. 

We understand it’s a difficult time and while we don’t want to preach, we do hope you’ll take some advantage of this opportunity to reflect a bit on how your own behavior may have effected the rest of us over the years.

We’re not going to lie here: living under a puppet regime can be nasty business and there’s going to be a lot of things you’re not going to like. Although far less rewarding materially than your previous role, you’re bound to find life on this side of the puppet strings to be very rich in terms of being a learning experience, and discover as we have, at least a few silver linings. In that spirit we offer the following bits of advice and random observations we’ve picked up along the way hoping you’ll find them useful.

1) Losing Your Sovereignty Is Not The End of the World.  In fact it’s how most of the world lives! Living under a puppet will give you a much better understanding of people from places like Nicaragua, Haiti, Panama, Vietnam, Brazil, Argentina, Vietnam, the Philippines and El Salvador than back when you were the one pulling the strings.  You’ll probably be getting lots of letters like this from many, many nations, so be sure to check your mailbox!

2) You Will Quickly Be Able To Recognize Who Can And Cannot Be Trusted.   One of the very few advantages of living under a puppet regime is how easy it makes it to recognize traitors.  Almost invariably, it’s those quickest to question the loyalty of others and loudest in declaring their own that prove to be the very worst of traitors. And yes, we are talking about FOX News. You are probably already learning, just as we did, an important historical constant: People who are betraying their country always do it while waving the flag.

3) You’re Are About To Learn a Lot of Things And Many of Them Will Be Painful.  Listen, it was bad enough when you did it to us, and we were barely even industrialized. Frankly none of us can even imagine how shocking and painful this must be for you. You’re America after all,  “Number One!” as you were always so fond of saying…  Okay, sorry - we don’t mean to rub it in - but it’s time for a little tough love.  There are some things we’ve needed to tell you, and now it’s really important that you listen. Despite everything, we’ve always looked up to you guys, and while many of us are just as appalled by what’s happened to you, none of us can say we’re honestly shocked.  

We’re not going to say we told you so, because we didn’t. And the reason we didn’t was because you know just as well as we did that you wouldn’t have listened to us anyway.  But don’t think for a second that we didn’t see what was coming. Donald Trump was exactly the same pompous, windbag, idiot clown as the ones you dumped on us… just without the uniform and all the medals.  From the moment that pig-ignorant, farcical bastard first opened his ugly hole of a mouth and started insulting and condemning the most defenseless people in your society, we recognized exactly who he was and precisely what you all were in for. Hopefully next time you will too.

4) What You Have Lost in National Pride Will Eventually Be Replaced By An Appreciation For Much Greater Things.  We know how mad you must be about this and how much you want to fight back. Normally we’d advise against it since whenever we tried we always ended up getting crushed by the US Military. In your case of course things are a bit less clear-cut… Nevertheless, we suggest you stick with the basic rule of military conflict: regardless of cause, weaponry or terrain, just be sure you’re fighting on the same side as the money. 

Which brings us around to the basic point we’d like to make here: the high-minded concepts you so recently cherished - the sovereignty and independence that you now feel so crushed by the loss of - were ultimately little more than philosophical luxuries - their nobility only affordable by having money and power. I know that sounds like sour grapes, but down here with us, that’s a taste you’ll get used to.

We know it sucks right now, but hey… You’re America! You brought us airplanes and cars and you went to the moon! You’re not going to be brought down by some tiny-handed douchebag and a couple of Russian thugs in polyester tracksuits. We know you’re going to make things right again, and when you do we hope you’ll remember us, and maybe we’ll be able to get along a little better in the future. In the meantime though, take this time away from being Number One, Land of the Free, Home of the Brave and all that, to take stock of some of the other blessings that come along with life on this earth. Go home, make love to your husbands and wives, play with your children… Take a little time out to breathe in the air, stare up at the sky and marvel at some of the fortunes we all share, regardless of what country we’re in or who’s running it. With even the most cursory contemplation of your existence you’ll find your current problems rendered meaningless by just a fraction of what you’ve been taking for granted. 

We’re all rooting for you America, and we have faith that in no time you’ll be back back on your feet as the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. But first take a moment to join the rest of us in the simple wonder of our humanity… the miracle of just being alive and sentient on this beautiful garden of a planet, spinning through space in this most amazing of times…