Thursday, January 04, 2007

News Item

Bush Claims Right to Check Nation's Mail, Underwear

WASHINGTON - President Bush has quietly claimed sweeping powers to check American's mail and underwear without first obtaining a warrant. Bush asserted this authority in a signing statement attached to December's postal overhaul bill, causing a minor uproar on Capital Hill. "I'm all for fighting terrorism, and for giving the President all the tools he needs in that fight." said Representative Henry Waxman D-Los Angeles, "But to have him going around and checking everybody's underwear? That just seems ridiculous."

White House Spokesperson Tony Snow answered an avalanche of questions concerning Bush's controversial new authority. "I know it sounds strange," he said in today's press conference, "and there's a lot of people out there who want to turn this into some kind of weird, fetishistic thing the President has for America's underpants, and nothing could be further from the truth. The President's number one duty is to protect the American People, however he sees fit to do so and that's all there is to it."

Several psychiatrists were quick to agree that the President's motivation, if not entirely based on security concerns, was probably not sexually based either: "The President and the American People are suffering a highly dysfunctional relationship these days, filled with anger, resentment and frankly, disgust... and it runs both ways. Bush's desire to check our mail and underwear doesn't stem so much from the need to actually do it as it does the need to show us he can. These sorts of control issues are typical in almost all abusive relationships."

Political observers from both parties, while mixed on the constitutionality of signing statements and the political wisdom of sexually humiliating the entire American public, did agree that it worked on Clinton.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

IMPEACH the idiot already!

Anonymous said...

Good reference to Woody Allen's Bananas, where the new Latin American dictator says, "Underwear will be changed every 15 minutes. Everyone will wear their underwear on the outside, so we can check."

Freewayblogger said...

Also, "Everyone below the age of sixteen years old... is now sixteen years old!"

Anonymous said...

Sure Georgie, you can check my underwear. Just as soon as I eat this bean burrito, this egg salad sandwich, and then wash it all down with some chocolate milk!

Fart Head

Annie said...

Well, it's time you know the truth - I'm with the CIA and I'm here to check your underwear.

::snaps on her rubber gloves::

Psychomikeo said...

Total bullshit... this dictator needs to be stopped!!! where are the Dems.??? where is the news media???? Why doesn't someone stand up & say enough is enough!!!

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know if he checked Jeff Gannon's underwear?

Peacechick Mary said...

I hear he is signing a statement that allows unlicensed proctologists to check a bit further than the underwear.

Anonymous said...

Just add it to the list of our 'rights' that we have lost. The gov't rountinely violates our Constitutional rights.
They violate the 1st Amendment by caging demonstrators and banning books like "America Deceived" from Amazon.
They violate the 2nd Amendment by confiscating guns during Katrina.
They violate the 4th Amendment by conducting warrant-less wiretaps.
They violate the 5th and 6th Amendment by suspending habeas corpus.
They violate the 8th Amendment by torturing.
They violate the entire Constitution by starting 2 illegal wars based on lies and on behalf of a foriegn gov't.
Support indy media.
Last link (unless Google Books caves to the gov't and drops the title):
America Deceived (book)

Anonymous said...

Just anyother reason to freewayblog.

I am a 'sleeper-cell' freewayblogger. I have remanained in a dormaint catotonic state. Waiting for you to transmit me the sentinel activation code via frequncy 537MHz. (Similar to the Dan Rather Michael-Michael Stipe experience).

Once activated by the frequncy in the embbeded .WAV file on your site, I begain a weekly series of two 'sign' drops. My vocabulary is limited to ease production.

My two signs are:

1. "the war is a lie" (short, sweet and only six characters to paint!)

2. "Bush, guilty of war crimes"

My sign drops are on highway over-passes and railroad tressles that cross roads. I drop signs in 19047. Look for them on RT 1 north or south 4 miles north of the PA Turnpike entrance.

I work completely alone if your a sign bommber then hit back to this blog an d we can connect.

over and out.

-Cornholio54
Slepper-Cell #7
Wiskey-Yankee-Foxtrot

Mungen_Cakes said...

"I hear he is signing a statement that allows unlicensed proctologists to check a bit further than the underwear."

That's so proctologists can practice their love all over the country just like the gynos of yore.