I’d just finished putting this up when I heard a vaguely familiar voice say:
“Whoa whoa Whoa Man! What Gives?”
I turned and saw him - the hair, the flag shirt, he was unmistakeable: “Abbie? Abbie Hoffman?”
“Man! I knew things were getting bad, and the counterculture was selling out and all, but ‘God Bless the FBI?’ Really? It’s come to this?”
“Oh man - Abbie - listen: Things… things’ve gotten really weird lately.”
“I’ll say.”
“See, somehow Donald Trump got elected President - you remember him at all?”
“Real estate guy? Kind of an asshole?”
“Yeah, except it turned out he was all kinds of assholes: he was a racist asshole, a sexist asshole, an idiot asshole… sort of a compendium of assholery.”
“Like Reagan…”
“Oh no. Worse than Reagan, way worse. Trump’s such a soulless rightwing lunatic Nazi he makes Reagan look like… well, like you!”
“Wow… That is bad.”
“But on top of it all he’s a treasonous asshole - he’s selling the whole country out to a bunch of Russian oil gangsters with dirt on him.”
“Yeah? How much dirt?”
“Plenty. After a decade or two providing dirty money and teenage girls, they’ve got enough dirt on that little cash-starved Casanova to fill an open-pit coal mine. But that’s not even the worst of it…”
“I’ve got time. I’m a ghost.”
“Okay. You gotta understand, it wasn’t like the ignorant racist stuff was a surprise. The guy literally kicks off his campaign by calling Mexicans rapists, and then spends a year spouting enough stupid, jingoistic and hateful racist bullshit to make the Nixon tapes sound like the Sermon on the Mount. The establishment Republicans hate him, but when he wins the primary they figure they’ve gotta play along. But when he gets rolled into the RNC, they find out he’s just a big, fat Trojan Horse straight outta Moscow - stuffed with Rubles and a tape loop of Vladimir Putin laughing his ass off...
So the Republicans just about shit themselves: ‘Holy Fuck!’ they say, ‘lookit the bastard! He’s stuffed full of Rubles! What the fuck are we gonna do…?’ Now the obvious thing would’ve been to wheel the fucker straight back out the door and say ‘Sorry America, but this fat orange bastard’s stuffed with Rubles and we can’t make him President’ But instead… and this is where it starts getting weird… instead they just help themselves to the rubles and pretend there’s nothing wrong.”
“Really? You thought that was the weird part?”
“Well, I guess I was hoping patriotism might be the one goddam thing they weren’t lying about, but it’s pretty clear the Russians have dirt on them too. Everything’s done on computers now, so spying’s gotten a lot easier. And the Republicans have become a lot more religious, so they’re even hornier and more fetishistic than ever. Hell Trump just busted for getting spanked with a magazine by a pornstar while watching a shark documentary on TV…
“Let it all hang out man!”
“Anyway the Republican leadership probably figured the guy was gonna lose so they’d get away with Operation Rublesnatch and nobody’s the wiser. Instead, with the help of the Russians, the big fat traitor wins and the Trojan Horse gets wheeled into the White House, only now instead of being stuffed with Rubles he’s stuffed with idiots and racists and Nazis and the like that become his cabinet members and advisors. But the guy’s such a ham-handed clown the Russia stuff comes out within days, the RNC’s dirty as hell and the Republican voters have gotten so inbred, propagandized and bizarre they’d rather have the Russians running things than the Democrats - mostly due to this one TV news network run by this nonagenarian Australian billionaire bastard who’s banging one of Mick Jagger’s exes.”
“Bianca?”
“No, Jerry Hall. Things have gotten weird, but they haven’t gotten that weird… Anyway, long story short, the FBI ends up being the only thing left keeping us from being a large English-speaking Russian colony with diabetes.”
“So now all the freaks are putting up signs saying ‘God Bless the FBI?’”
“Nah, just me. And just this one so far. Y’know, I’ve put up over 7,000 signs that didn’t say ‘God Bless the FBI’, how come you didn’t show up for any of those?”
“Probably because you didn’t hang them thinking ‘Damn I’m glad Abbie Hoffman isn’t here to see this…’”
“Yeah. I guess that makes sense.”
“Anything good happen while I’ve been gone?”
“Weed’s legal now. And it kicks ass!”
“Lay some on me brother…”
Signs Posted - 7,368
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