Declaration of Independence Under Review

Declaration of Independence
"Under Review" by Bush Administration

(AP ) Washington DC: Key provisions of the U.S. Declaration of Independence are currently under review by the Bush administration, according to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.
"We are studying the document with an open mind and absolute respect for the authors' intent." he announced today in a morning press conference. "Let me assure you that this President considers the Declaration of Independence to be the very bedrock of American democracy. However, given the seriousness of the threats facing our nation today, it would be a forfeiture of our duty not to reconsider some of its more outmoded provisions."

Originally written and signed into law on July 4th, 1776, the Declaration of Independence has long been considered an untouchable "third rail" of American politics. According to Gonzales though, "9/11 changed all that..."

"Although we have no problems whatsoever with the 'Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Happiness' clauses of the Declaration, certain sections of the document reflect a decidely pre-9/11 mindset, and it is those we intend to change."

Of particular concern to the administration are these passages from the second paragraph:

"That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it."

This, according to Gonzalez and reaffirmed by President Bush in a statement by spokesman Scott McClellan, is "nothing more than an invitation to anarchy" and "Just the sort of thing the terrorists would like us to do..."

Administration officials were emphatic to point out that the most important provisions of the Declaration, those pertaining to the United States remaining a seperate and sovereign entity from the British Crown, would remain in force. "However," Gonzales pointed out, "It remains both the right and the duty of the Commander-and-Chief to be able to unilaterally relinquish national sovereignity back to the monarchy at any time he might desire to do so."