Dear Sirs, As you know, things are going badly wrong right now, with every indication that they’re about to get a whole lot worse. How much worse of course none of us can really know, although it’s fairly obvious that you all have a much better idea than the rest of us. With the only thing unravelling faster than your pretext of innocence being the President himself, this might be a good time to stop and weigh your options in what little calm remains before the inevitably coming storm.
Please understand that I fully appreciate the seriousness of this situation and that the following is merely pro forma and not meant as a joke:
“To put this all behind us and for the good of the nation, you should tell us the complete truth regarding any and all contacts, associations, collusion, transferences, payments etc. between yourselves and any Russian or other foreign entities, ”
Again, I’m sorry. That was just for the sake of protocol and not meant to make light of things. Grim as things are though, it is nice to have a bit of a chuckle.
According to the dossier compiled by Christopher Steele, those of you who have colluded with or accepted contributions from Russian agents include top officials of the RNC, a number of senators and as many as 100 GOP House members. As time passes and evidence mounts supporting the claims of the Steele Dossier, we have seen a growing number of its assertions that were once unbelievable becoming instead undeniable. Thus sadly it no longer seems wise to credit yourselves or your party with the benefit of doubts that would’ve normally been given without a thought. Frankly, the only thing that keeps me from assuming the whole lot of you as traitors across-the-board isn’t respect so much as it is a sort of wistful nostalgia.
I want you to know,it hasn’t been easy witnessing your party’s deterioration over the years. As pompous and wrong-headed as you may have been under Ronald Reagan, you managed at least the pretense of being in the game for reasons greater than merely winning. Even though I doubted you had much if any respect for the values on which the country was built, it was nice that you at least referred to them from time to time. And as insincere as it may have seemed to me, at least you paid lip-service to such ideals as equality, fairness and respect, and did so even with a touch of what might pass as humility. Since then though it’s just been a dismal parade of charlatans like the Atwaters, Gingriches and Falwells slavishly pandering to the very worst elements of our society. I won’t pretend that your constant insults and questioning the patriotism, morality and even humanity of the left didn’t cause some bitterness, but the worst of it was simply being forced to watch the slow and painfully ugly spectacle of your party’s decline into the hollow, flailing, partisan shell that it is now.
Now this next part might sound a bit mean… But trust me, however painful it may be to read, you can take solace in knowing it will be quickly forgotten in the horrors awaiting you in the days to come. Whether through greed, malevolence or sheer political cowardice, you have brought this upon yourselves, so I’d like to assure you that whatever consequences you suffer will be far less than you deserve. By which I mean I’d like to assure you of that, but sadly I can’t. Historically these things tend to get rather ugly, so it’s altogether possible that your retribution may in fact be equal to, or possibly even much more than, that which you deserve. However long and honorable your public service resume may be, or how high your stack of awards and achievements, I can assure you that bloodthirsty mobs aren’t known for being meticulous about paperwork. Even if your legislative talents made you practically a national resource, as traitors your capacity as a national resource will most likely be reduced to that of fuel. You should ignore this warning at your peril.
Having contemplated for some time, as I’m sure you have too, what dwindling options you have left, I’ve decided conclusively the best solution - both for you personally as well as the nation — is this: Get out.
That’s right: Go. When you have finished this letter, get up from your chair, collect your passport and briefcase full of rubles, leave the country and never come back. On your way to the airport you can call your wives, children, mistresses, male escorts, etc. and give whatever explanation you care to. However, I suggest using your time in the air for some sober reflection before making any arrangements to meet up with them anytime soon. You’ll probably want some time on the ground at your destination to do a bit of legwork and research into the finer points of exile and alternative citizenship before making any plans involving loved ones.
To the extent that any of you may be thinking you’ll be spared by joining Donald Trump in his last-ditch effort to save himself with an army drawn from his supporters, let me assure you that’s not going to happen. The only decision more catastrophic than the one you made by supporting President Pussygrabber, would be to enlist into the ranks of the chuckleheaded racists serving under Field Marshall Bonespurs. As treasonous, misguided and soulless as you may be, along with everything else I’ve called you so far, I have not called you stupid. That would be unfair.
Nor, I’d like to add, have I called you, or thought of you, as irredeemable. Frightening as it may seem to you at the moment, the journey you are about to embark on is almost guaranteed to be one of spiritual awakening. Though borne of necessity more than some philosophical decision, the first steps on the path of exile are those walking away from all material possessions. Along with them you’ll leave behind all the responsibilities, relationships, habits, and all of the other trappings of lives gone so tragically wrong as to bring your party and nation to the brink of collapse, as well as yourselves to this horrible nadir. Soon all of that will be gone - little more than a memory - and you can re-enter the world… fresh as babes. Do not be afraid: few people in history have needed spiritual cleansing as much as Republican lawmakers in 2017. Through the eyes of refugees you’ll gaze upon a whole new world you were utterly blind to as lawmakers… Your fall from power will soon mean nothing to you once you’ve seen how you’ve you’ve sinned against the powerless. But it’s a better world, I promise you. Do not be afraid.
The time has come: now rise up from your chair.
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