Washington, DC (AP) - Outrage over recent revelations that the White House has been covertly funding Sunni extremist groups reached a head today as the Republican Party announced it was permanently splitting into Shiite and Sunni factions. In an unprecedented erosion of party unity, Sunni Leaders Cheney and Bandar denounced GOP Shiite leaders Wolfowitz and Chalabi as "infidels" and "apostate dogs", while Republican Shiites charged the Sunnis with betraying the Reagan revolution and running up the deficit.
Leaders from both sides declared they would hold separate conventions resulting in both Sunni and Shiite tickets. While speculation abounds on potential Sunni candidates, Prince Bandar promised "a jihad against capital gains taxes." Meanwhile, Shiite insiders are talking about a possible pairing of James Baker and Oliver North, focusing on fiscal conservatism, family values and "Compassionate Khomeni-ism."